Snake Oil Salesmen? Stick It.

Posted by Shelly Kramer on July 21, 2010 · View Comments 

Sitting in the office, minding my own beeswax today, cranking out work and living large. You know. The story of my every day existence. Glam beyond belief.

The phone rings. I answer. Yes, you’ve guessed it. No administrative assistant. No gatekeeper to hide behind. Just me. And the phone. It rings, I get it. Works for me.

“Shelly?” says a young lady identified by my handy-dandy Call Stalker as Donna Dangerous (name changed to protect the innocent). I respond in the affirmative.

“I’m calling to remind you about the BUST OUT Boot Camp” she says.

Hmmm. Boot camp? And a BUST OUT one at that. How can it be that I don’t know about this?

“What are you talking about?” I say, in the nicest way possible. And for me, that’s sometimes a stretch. I know. And I know you know.

“Well, it’s the BUST OUT Boot Camp, on September 9th and 10th, right there in Kansas City,” says she.

Oh, that one. You don’t say?

“But why,” say I, to Donna, “are you calling ME about this?”

“Well,” she replies, “because you’re on the list!”

“Great!” I say. By this point I think she realized I wasn’t going to bite, so she said something lame like “See you there!” and hurried off the phone.

Super. I’m on a freaking list. And, clearly, this means I’m going to miss out. Miss out on WHAT you say? Thank GOD for Google, because the answer was at my cute little fingertips. I do so love a mystery. Utilizing my intrepid and finely tuned research skills, I quickly discovered that I’ll be missing out on the fabulous Monica Cornetti, “one of only 13 professionals (on the planet?) with an MS degree in Economic Development and Entrepreneurship.” Who knew there even was such a thing?

I’ll also be missing out on the fact that Monica is a published author, top-notch speaker and so many other things I forget … oh, and “one of the best entrepreneurial training experts in the business.” I will miss out on the fact that Monica has, apparently, “dedicated her entire life to helping others reach and fulfill their dreams.” Sigh. I’m not sure I can manage it.

I am beyond chagrined to realize that, according to the BUST OUT Boot Camp propaganda I found online, I will also miss out on what is, apparently, a “life-changing weekend” where Monica and her crack team of top industry experts will be there with the sole purpose of helping me to cash in on MY skills and experience. I am heady at the very thought. This team of “top industry experts” apparently know all about things like branding, marketing social media, website optimization and so on, and so forth, and they are chomping at the bit to teach me how to chose the right business model to turn my passion into profits.

I’ve got you now, don’t I? You’re actually blocking your calendar and planning a trip to Kansas City to get you a piece of the pie that Monica is offering up, aren’t you?

Here, my friends, are the treats you are in for, backed by no less than a bona fide, certified, nonrefutiated, money-back guar-an-TEEEEEEE:

• Create infoproducts and start generating revenue in 14 days or less
• Increase your clients and dates on your calendar in 30 days or less
• Learn the fastest way to get clients using the free local talk strategy
• Write a book in 30, publish in 45, and generate $1K in 60 days
• Improve your conversion rates – increase web sales by 20% or more
• Master your time – increase your selling, networking and creative writing time by 25% by elimininating unproductive activities and habits

Holy CRAP! I’m gonna start generating revenue in 14 days or less, have so many meetings I’ll be dizzy, write a doggone book, publish it AND make $1,000 smackeroos all in less than 60 days. Be still my beating heart!!! On top of that I’m gonna convert, convert, convert, network like mad and write like crazy when I get rid of all my bad habits. My friends will hardly recognize me.

Sign Me Up!!!!

Well, Monica, I’ve toyed with you enough. And I’m sure you are a very nice, and very well-meaning person. But you don’t know jack about telemarketing. And how important it is to train the folks manning your phone lines to say exactly what you would like them to say. And you don’t know jack about your list building techniques if you had your people call a Certified Smart Ass like me, because you’ve gotta know that I can’t resist calling you out.

It’s like crack cocaine to the addict. When I see stupid, I’ve just gotta stand up and say something. I’ve just gotta.

This, Monica, is stupid. It’s akin to selling snake oil. Maybe there are lots of people who are dumb enough to shell out their hard-earned $297 for the entire 72 hours of magic (and what a generous discount from your regular price of $1597 that is), for your BUST OUT Boot Camp. But sistah, I’m not one of them.

Sloppy. That’s what this is. Sloppy. Sloppy Snake Oil. And you oughta be ashamed.

And, while I wish you success at what is clearly your life’s mission. That dream of helping others fulfill their life’s dreams and all that jazz, you, my friend, need some marketing help. And you need some help with your outbound marketing. And with your inbound marketing. Come to think of it, your entire website needs some work. With only 131 pages of your site indexed by Google and only 120 inbound links, your site is, well, less than impressive. I won’t even mention the video that jangles my nerves as it starts to play the minute I navigate to your site. The big no-no is the fact that there is absolutely, positively NO conversion form on your website. Do you know what that is? It’s that little thing that helps you turn a lead into a customer. Convert them, you know.

Oh wait, you know about conversions – that’s one of the things you were going to teach me about.

Here’s the thing. In today’s business world, it’s easy to discover the snake oil salesmen. Don’t say you can do something if you have no idea what you’re talking about. Don’t put it out there if you can’t back it up. Don’t promise if you can’t deliver. And, for heaven’s sake, don’t take people’s hard-earned money in the process. Because if you do, I can promise you, it will just about always come back to bite you in the nether regions.

There are plenty of you out there – and you know who you are – you’re feeling all squiggly right now, because you don’t particularly care for people like me. If you’re confident in your ability to sell this, or any other kind of crap to people, that’s cool. There’s a fool born every minute and I’m all for the old caveat emptor adage that we all first learned about in high school.

But, you can be damn sure that if I stumble across you – or if you’re unfortunate enough to have me or one of my many friends who actually DO know what they’re doing when it comes to some of the things you’re hawking, on a poorly developed telemarketing list, be prepared. Because I’m going to eat you for lunch. And then I’m going to make fun of you. Because I’ve just gotta stand up. It’s in my blood.

And if you’re really a stand up gal, I apologize. I’m sure you’re out there, just like the rest of us, trying to earn a living. Just be careful when you breeze into my home town and make promises that I’m not sure you can keep. Because I just can’t keep quiet about that. I just can’t.